|
Fallout
From the Snowden Case
In
2013, Ed Snowden, a former systems administrator
for the CIA, and a consultant to the National Security Agency (NSA)
revealed
numerous personal surveillance programs run by U.S. intelligence
agencies.
These agencies monitored and intercepted millions of e-mails, instant
messages,
Twitter feeds, Facebook posts, Instagrams and telephone calls. NSA
agents spied
on personal online purchases of goods and services, internet browsing,
responses to ads, travel plans, books, music and movie preferences,
social
networking activities, dating habits, etc. German
tempers flared after Snowden told reporters that U.S. spies monitored
Chancellor Angela Merkel's cell phone conversations. Here's a rough
translation
of one call. Angela:
What's for
dinner tonight liebchen? Husband:
Veal
schnitzel, spaetzle, bratwurst und sauerkraut. Angela:
Ach! I'm trying
to lose weight. What's for dessert? Husband:
Chocolate
torte with whipped cream. Angela:
A good thing Mrs.
Obama is not aware her healthy diet recommendations for me are kaput. Until
Snowden leaked, most people were unaware of the extent of the NSA's
surveillance activities, and some expressed shock and dismay at these
privacy-intrusive programs. They object to government prying into their
most
intimate daily activities, tastes, habits and vices. Perhaps they are
engaging
in something illegal or immoral? I have nothing to hide, so I welcome
the
intrusion, comforted by the knowledge that the NSA is protecting me
from potential
terrorists who employ mundane techniques to disguise their nefarious
purposes. For
example, I get a polite phone call from the NSA's Agent X (a pseudonym). Agent
X: Hello Mr.
Gray. I see you bought three one-pound bags of Gluten-free flour at the
Safeway
on Hemlock and Ivy at 1:06 pm today. Me:
Not
I, or me. It must have been someone impersonating me. Agent
X: Sir, what are
you planning to do with
all that flour? Me:
Bake a humongous
cake? Agent
X: Sir, that's
not funny. Mixing the right amounts of flour and water makes paste. Me:
Wow!
That could be dangerous. Agent
X:
Yes, we can't be too careful. Have a good day. I am also comforted by the
pleasant humming
sound of intelligence drones flying over my house at random times. They
deter
door-to-door salesmen, home-improvement vendors, lawn and garden
service
providers, and religious proselytizers. When I notify telemarketers
that the
NSA is monitoring my phone messages, they stop calling me. The NSA also
helps
improve my sleep patterns and bedtime activities. Sensors embedded in
my
mattress monitor my heart rate, respiration and body motions, and a
computer
provides instant feedback on my sexual performance, plus tips on
getting a
sounder sleep. As
I
write this in Word, I'm sure the NSA is monitoring every keystroke. I
hope an avatar
edits it, corrects spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, and offers
suggestions for improvement. Serious writers should welcome third-party
reviews
and critiques of their work; ways to strengthen the prose, develop a
more
robust plot, and make the characters more believable. Finally,
based on metadata about me, including a detailed profile of my likes
and
dislikes, habits, eccentricities and proclivities, the NSA can provide
me with a
valuable public service by suggesting the best products and services I
should
buy and how much to spend on them, which movies, plays, concerts and
shows to
attend, the best restaurants, where to travel, what hotels to stay in,
books to
read, the soundest investments to make. I
no
longer need to make decisions based on subjective, biased views of
professional
arts and entertainment critics with their one to four star awards, or
the
unreliable reviews of the general public. Instead, I rely on the NSA's
recommendations based on its intimate knowledge of my personal
preferences.
Have a good day Agent X. Peter
Gray is an author of humorous short stories for adults
and books
for children. |
