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EETOM
- Roy L. Cover Most
people are unaware of the true nature of mushrooms. They usually see
live ones
only when they’re nestled in little plastic covered trays in the
supermarket
looking docile and content. Or they’ve seen them sliced, diced, or
chopped in
gravy over a steak, or in a myriad of other culinary delights. Of
course, you
can’t see the canned mushrooms, but when you open that can, you still
expect
that serene look about them. Whether they’re whole or in pieces. That
serenity look is no accident. We professional shroomers go to great
lengths to
breed that into our herds. Naturally, that means we must first
eliminate that
wild streak. That takes time and lots of patience. Some
unscrupulous shroomers, however, take shortcuts to achieve that end.
Instead of
patiently doing selective breeding, they turn to inhumane methods to
subdue
their mushrooms into temporary serenity. They place short term profits
above
all else. These are not honest professionals. They are merely cruel
opportunists with their sights set only on the bottom line. I will not
go into detail about their methods. Suffice it to say they are
shocking. At
times, literally. Some of
the local shroomers and I tried to get an animal rights group to step
in and
end the horror. But PETA spokesfolks washed their hands of the whole
affair.
They claimed mushrooms were not classified as animals–even though many
dedicated vegans have taken an oath not to eat mushroom gravy on their
steaks. That
prompted we conscious-minded shroomers to band together and form an
organization to promote consumer awareness on the mistreatment of
innocent
mushrooms. As with any organization worth its salt, the first order of
the day
is to come up with an acronym that people will associate with your
goals. We
thought of calling ourselves People for the Ethical Treatment of
Shrooms
(PETS). But that looked too much like PETA, and we weren’t on very good
terms
with them after they refused to help us. They can get pretty nasty with
those
who don’t agree with them. After
kicking around a number of ideas, we finally settled on EETOM, which
stands for
Everybody for the Ethical Treatment Of Mushrooms. Our
first action was to confront the major supermarket chains. We loudly
voiced our
displeasure over their practice of buying mushrooms from people who
brutalized
and tortured them. We demanded more compassion from the supermarket
managers
who bought the lower priced mushrooms from those heartless dealers. We
implored
them to stock only humanely produced mushrooms in their produce
departments.
And, of course, the ones stuffed into cans and placed on shelves in
their
canned goods section. Unfortunately,
our protests were unable to
penetrate the ears of profit hungry CEOs. We then turned to a more
drastic
measure that we all regret now. We brought out the placards and
picketed all
the major supermarkets in town. With our small membership, and the
large number
of stores, we could picket each one for only about ten minutes at a
time in
order to cover all of them in one day. Even so, we were too successful.
In our
desperation to help the mushrooms, we caused a temporary market
shortage of
them. Like with a shortage of any consumer good, people immediately
began to
stock up. Even people who didn’t like mushrooms, or had never even
tasted one,
frantically bought every mushroom in sight. Fresh, canned, or in gravy. This
shortage was immediately pounced upon by the very scoundrels we were
trying to
put out of business. They used every unimaginable and foul method in
their dark
minds to produce more and more mushrooms at an even faster pace. We at
EETOM were horrified and ashamed over the increased mistreatment we had
set in
motion. There was nothing left for us to do but admit defeat in our
noble
efforts. We called for a peace summit between ourselves and our hated
enemies.
It looked like the mushrooms last chance. The one
thing in our favor at the summit was that EETOM was organized, unlike
the
ragtag barbarians who advocated brutality for the sake of profits.
Little good
it did us, though. The swine would agree to nothing. We were forced to
walk
away from the summit with nothing other than our honor and good name.
That, and
our tails tucked between our legs. So, now
it’s up to you honorable consumers to stop the torture of defenseless
mushrooms
everywhere. You can do your part by buying only those mushrooms raised
and
loved by members in good standing of EETOM. When in
a restaurant that serves mushrooms, politely–but firmly–demand
assurance that
all the mushrooms used were purchased only from EETOM approved
suppliers. And
before buying fresh mushrooms at a farmer’s market or your favorite
supermarket, always look for “EETOM Approved” gently stamped on every
mushroom’s tender little bottom. I thank
you, and tasty mushrooms everywhere thank you. Roy
Cover writes mainly for pleasure and masochistic tendencies. Humor has
become
his passion after retiring from a rowdy lifestyle, earning a B.S.
degree, and
kicking back in a small town within sight of Dallas. Last year he
somewhat
grudgingly agreed to become the head writer for the planned TV sitcom, Western
Style.
Look for more traditional and
offbeat humor from him in the future. go4all@att.net |
