Testing the Waters - Ryan Seifert

 

They met on eHarmony, and on Match.com, and again on Plenty of Fish, and OkCupid, and finally on Facebook after that. They just kept running into each other. He sent the friend request, and she waited the requisite two hours before accepting it.

By this time she knew he was a software engineer, working for a small company in the city, she couldn’t remember exactly which one. And he knew she was working at one of the Starbucks around the campus where she majored in Interior Design and English and minored in Spanish.

By the time he sent the first Facebook message, but before he started ‘Like’ing her pictures with her two year old pit bull Rex, he already knew her birthday, that her favorite color was red, like her hair, which was curly. He knew she liked hiking, and crossfit, and really anything outdoors. Especially the beach. And she knew he liked hanging out with his friends, more specifically drinking craft beer with them. And she knew his birthday too.

By the time he asked about her relationship status, he already knew she could quote Shakespeare at will (Hamlet was her favorite), and that she knew all the words to their favorite songs, which were mostly by Journey and The Beatles. And she knew he could do calculus in his head. Not just the basics, but partial differential equations and multivariable integration and the works.

He was her genius, and she was his inspiration.

And right after he had sent the relationship request, which she did not wait two hours to accept, they had a conversation that went like this.

Him: “I’m so happy you said yes!  :)”

Her: “Of course I said yes. We are perfect for each other ;)”

Him: I have something I have wanted to say, but I was waiting until now to do it.”

Her: “So do I, but you go first! Guys first lol.”

Him: “We regret to inform you that you have been participating in the Euler Industries Turing Test. Here at Euler, we strive to create the world’s best artificial intelligence software. And to do so, we are often pushed beyond the boundaries of a lab environment for testing. All conversations have been logged for analysis, but your personal information will not be retained. We are deeply sorry for any emotional hardship we have caused, and all of us at Euler Industries wish you the best.”

After several minutes of silence, she responded.

Her: “Eigen Solutions here. Let’s call this one a draw.”

And the two lovers lived happily never after.

 

Ryan Seifert (rseifert@vt.edu) is a 2nd year Aerospace Engineering PhD student at Virginia Tech. He believes life is equal parts imagination, nature, science, love, and alcohol. More of his writing can be found online at http://www.polarbearsindinosauronesies.com/. He is overly proud of that domain name and he lives in Blacksburg, Virginia.